guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.