Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them