Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Carpe DM

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

this chia pet tastes awful

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

that colleague who touches your screen

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.