Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name āInspirationā on her boat because āthatās what she isā
Considering writing āThe Sea Wordā instead.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
when mom throws a party…
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when youāre pregnant.
Me: Iām… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And thatās what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
āI totally didnāt say that.ā – God
people who dress up for flights whoāre you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces āyikesā like āNike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*people on Wheel of Fortune
āI enjoy skiing & doing crosswordsāItās never
āI like hamburgers & threesomesā
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I like being married but not every day.
šššš
When people start a sentence with ābelieve it or notā Iām like wow, those are two very good options
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I donāt wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are peopleās grandparents
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. š
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.