@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

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@Angibangie

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@stonedcoldlazy

Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.

@heyitsJudeD

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

@magicraisin

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

@vinnycrack

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away

@pakalupapito

Alarm Clock:

a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house

except for the person who had set it.