Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.


If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.


Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.


Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?


Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.


I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.


My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.


She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”


Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away


Alarm Clock:

a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house

except for the person who had set it.