Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.