Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Oh, I bet you would be

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)