guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
goldfish mafia
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.