Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

I love the National Park Service.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald