There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?
*3 hours later*
Her: What are you talking about?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
Me: No thanks *click*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.