guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”