@dadmann_walking

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

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@PrestoVision

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@JermHimselfish

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

@MinionTrainer

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@Spaziotwat

[1873]

Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”

Assistant: “What was it like?”

Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”