*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.
i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…