guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail


[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god


I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.


I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.


Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.


I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.


I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway



or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller



Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”

Assistant: “What was it like?”

Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”