@dadmann_walking

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

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@Book_Krazy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

@_SingleBabyMama

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.

@smhsid

i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major

@AsgardianRose

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

@dshack8

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

@tesselatrix

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…