guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

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There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.


uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.


“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”


Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”


Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?


Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?


[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.