Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

it must be school picture day

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Perfect

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.