Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars