Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.