Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it