Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

reduce, reuse, recycle

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

marvel comics have peaked

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.