Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
New menu item
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
smh
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word