Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?