Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Thanks to a fan for this one.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.