Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
decorating my apartment
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft