Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
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going to bed
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.