Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

this is uni

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms