Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot