Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star