Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues