Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.