Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
hmm conte-me mais
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?