Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

I have a new favorite meme page