Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
You Might Also Like
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym.
*burns tongue while drinking coffee*
“Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*
Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?
[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
-Deer crossing the road
“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me