Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
You Might Also Like
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.