Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

ㅤ

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers