Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

groan^2

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Botany good plants lately?

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.