Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth