Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos