Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

lmfao

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.