Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
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A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
ew if literal: let me be clear
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not