Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 馃槅馃槅
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.