Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place