Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Blocked: 1985

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

We need more people like this.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.