Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down