@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

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@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

@JohnHilsen

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

@demented_Ash

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

@Home_Halfway

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.