Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK