Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
what are they serving at kfc then???
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Hard not to take this personally
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid