Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
