Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Sorted

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

goldfish mafia