Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Tapped in
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?