Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars