Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Maths meets science
The absolute effort that went into this omg
it is time once again
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
No chill.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.