Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.