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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first