Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam