Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.