Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?