guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
yeah no that’s fair
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.