Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…