Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Bruh 😂

This is hilarious

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

2022: I can fix it

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.