Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Genius.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.