Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together