Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*