Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
S M O L
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’m giving up for Lent.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.