guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
handsome & gretel
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.