guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
You Might Also Like
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
OMG 🤣🤣
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”