Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.