Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Cake safety first. Always.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge