Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
wishing you and yours all the best
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
President The Rock Obama
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Bruh PLEASE
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
