Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
This week’s mood.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby