Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron