Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Only a mother’s love …
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]