Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed