Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.