Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
No one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you😭
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.