Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

did it work

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.